If you follow me on social media, you have undoubtedly heard about my recent run in with terror. I had no idea that I was afraid of ANYTHING–but I certainly am. Y’all. I am officially full blown TERRIFIED of horn worms. If you do not know what one is, count yourself lucky.

It all started as an innocent enough Saturday morning. I went out on the Victory Deck Garden to check on my plants as I do most mornings. Everything looked normal–nothing was amiss. Around 10:30 am EST I went out on the deck to start the dye bath for my tie dye sheets project (see this post). That was when I realized something was WRONG. One of my potato buckets was practically stripped of ALL HER LEAVES! I immediately began searching for culprits. I found none. I texted two horticulture expert friends and posted on FaceBook…one of them said:

“I’m not positive, but potatoes are in the same family as tomatoes, this could be the work of tomato hornworms…”

The other friend said, “Definitely hornworms- they are green and as thick as your thumb. Look on the undersides of remaining leaves. They are really good at hiding.”

So I LAID DOWN ON MY BACK to look under the leaves…and then I saw it. HOLY JESUS SWEET MOTHER OF MARY MY DEAR LORD. Only that is NOT what I said. Can you picture it?! Me, struck with terror, screaming while flinging myself away from the pots of devil worms, heart pumping out of my chest like Jim Carrey in The Mask?!?! Did I mention I was screaming? I’m sure my friends in Missouri could hear me. I was THAT loud.

I cut the leaf off that held the DREADED SPAWN OF SATAN and flung the leaf and worm with the scissors into a giant dust pan. After searching and finding ANOTHER one, I was satisfied that was all of them and I took the dustpan FULL OF DOOM and flung the contents into my neighbor’s pasture.

Then I had this revelation:

A week later I was left with this withered, traumatized tater.

I thought that was all. I thought I couldn’t be any more grossed out than I already was. “Friends” posted horrorshows of horn worm GIFs on my social media pages. Mr. Smith laughed at me. Even my mother told me I was over the top. And then I received this postcard from one of the previously mentioned horticulture nerds.

“Oh that is so cute and so true,” I thought.
Then I turned the card over.

Leslie, you are a hilarious mean girl if ever there was one.

So ends (I PRAY) my tale of horn worm woe.

Have you experienced a horn worm nightmare? Have you also done battle with Satan’s Magic Eye Devil Spawn Pet?! If so, please do chime in a tell us all about it. I mean, we’re never going to sleep again anyway so we might as well get all the gory details out in the open!

❤ ❤ ❤